Dedicated to Alan Watts

In my previous blog entry i expressed briefly my affinity for conspiracy theories more notably political themed ones, and how i have transfixed myself to these ideas in order to find purpose or meaning in my life. Well i am here to now confirm that this endeavor was just a means to distract myself from life itself, i have made this realization before so it is my fault once again in doing reverting back to such childish defense mechanisms. Regardless, my interest in these affairs are still of considerable efforts, but i will now view them with this new perspective in mind. Before i felt that because i was taking in this information that somehow it will make be a better person in whatever reason, i have come to realize that knowledge in no shape or form can possibly make any person Good natured, or to behave in a way with increase virtue and moral. The pursuit of Knowledge is only useful if the individual has the necessary wisdom to guide the power acquired, im sure the current state of humanity is a well depicted reflection of this imbalance.

to be a free thinker requires immense courage, will and discipline. We are used to being impressioned by various external forces, we rely on these forces to guide our lives, to give our lives purpose because we identify with these things that are otherwise trivial and without significance. in order to have a truly fresh perspective of the world, one has to strip down entirely his or her current worldview, to many this is a feared and painful process to endure because of our attachments. humanity has reached a dead end, and until we can free ourselves from our own self created limitations we are doomed as a species.

Just a Friemdly remider

In the constant wake of the mundane incessant toil for a mere paycheck, i find myself in search of something of universal purpose, i am in search of something that can give me substantial value and meaning to my life. I believe that all of my efforts are towards connecting myself to my destined path, cutting the thick brush between my self and some sort of lost temple that houses the missing pieces of my life. whether i am consciously aware of subconsciously aware of these efforts i feel that somehow every choice i make is directly in effect to that purpose. i have found myself searching is many places, and throughout my life i can see a definite pattern. lately i have tried to find meaning through conspiracy theories, i find them to be greatly amusing with mild interest. i have grown to question everything, and when it comes to conspiracy theories there is an obvious range of information that must be carefully filtered through to see what is factual and what is mere myth. i tend to research information about secret societies and world governments because somehow i think that by involving myself in these affairs i can find my purpose. ultimately these interests fall short of any serious response from myself, perhaps if i had more resources and time i would actually further my efforts into unlocking the mysteries. Once again i am with nothing and my life returns back to the monotonous tone of the working life.

i think perhaps i should return back to my efforts in finding spirituality, during those years when all of my efforts was put towards exporing my consciousness and spirituality i found that i was transcending to new heights and experiences. i felt stimulated and i was in a blissful reverence for the time being. at the time i felt that i was combating my logistical ways of thinking, remember experiencing life in a non linear fashion, with more spontaneity with more opportunity and no limitations, i literally felt that i could do anything. but one again i lost focus and i allowed my rational to take control of my life once again. amidst my confusion i ruined great friendships, i allowed myself to get hurt and i hurt other people, i wish i could go back and do things differently because i feel like a better outcome would have been achievable. in retrospect, their were so many factors that contributed to my falling out of that lifestyle and the people i knew. will i return to those spiritual endeavors? i think so but under a different perspective, with more experience and knowledge, my approach will be guided by those principals so i don't lose my way as before. i fear the depths of how far the rabbit hole goes, yet my curiosity beckons me foreward. perhaps i will one day reconcile with the person i loved in during those years, it only seems right to set things right, after all it was in the distant past and lingering emotions only eat away at you slowly like parasites.

but here i am once again as square one, i have a job, i have a home, i have my word and my girl. i suppose this is all i need for now, yet i have the urge to see more and explore. i am hoping that shambhala this year will set the momentum i need to return to a more higher existence i once new. there are many preparations to be made.